Beavis’ Butthole

I RECEIVED THIS text message this morning.

Mr. X good day po. 1 po ako gay,tanong ko lng po bkit po un ibang gay or girl pg kinakangkang s pwet e nsasarapan’bkit po pg gngwa ko n po un khit gusto ng isip ko di ko po kya kc sobra tlgang skit.depende po b un s laki ng ari ng lalaki kc khit maliit e msakit p rin – 09284795537

I don’t usually reply to text questions (I answer them in my tabloid column). However, since my prepaid load is about to expire, I texted back telling the guy/gay that probably they’re not using enough lubrication or the guy trying to butt-fuck him isn’t gentle enough (disclaimer – I used my common sense in answering that question and it is by NO MEANS based on actual experience… ouch!).

The gay replied with ;

Salamat po sa inyo Mr. X. Gay po ako pero di ko p po nrnasan pasukin s pwet khit gusto ko. nssktan po kc ako minsan po kc un ang kina aayawan ng lalaki s akin’naartehan po cla s akin. Tnx po uli more power po s colum nyo..

Call me promdi or naïve but this is actually the first time that a real person admitted to me that he was (or tried to be) buttfucked and he actually wanted to. I know, especially nowadays, that this practice is rampant but this text message really got me thinking. Here is a guy that actually wants to be buttfucked and there are other men who find him “maarte”. I was trying to picture out the scene : after a drinking session in some house, the gay was in a doggie position while the drunken guy was trying to slide in his hard freshly-sucked dick through the poor gay's virginal butt hole. The gay would say "teka... teka... masakit... teka lang muna..." but the sex-starved guy would continue in his anal assault. The gay would continue to buy time, at least when the pain subsides a little but in exasperation, the guy would stand up, pull his pants up and shouts "tangina naman eh, dyan ka na nga. Ang arte mo naman, akala mo babae ka", leaving the teary-eyed gay who is now crumpled on the floor, hating himself, the guy and the world. Insert pang-Maalaala Mo kaya background music here.

I’m not trying to be self-righteous or be preachy but I really can’t understand those guys who engage in anal sex especially the man-to-man variety. That is the butthole of another man, Beavis! Shit goes out of there. I can’t imagine my dick inside some guy’s butt and vice versa. It was a mild shock watching Brokeback Mountain. But I am not homophobic and I respect the sexual preference of all men and women. If you two are consenting adults, what you do in your bed (or inside a vehicle, a movie house, sa may halaman or somewhere dark enough) are your business. I’m sure you are prepared for the consequences of your actions, as we all should be.

For me, rape is the most heinous thing that a human being can do to another human being, worse than taking somebody’s life. I pity those guy who were raped by other men, like in Prison Break and other prison stories we hear.

I can almost hear them silently screaming “Aray! Aray! Aray! Aray! Aray!”

Our Distinguished Gentlemen

I CHANGED MY mind. I'm gonna vote for the senatorial bets of Team Unity. Why?

Because I saw a news footage of the Hon. Ilocos Gov. Chavit Singson on GMA-7's evening news where he told a group of barangay leaders that if he placed in the top 5 of the Senate race, he will give 50 thousand to each barangay in the Philippines. He then noticed the presence of media reporters and he quickly corrected himself that he will give 50 thousand anting-anting (amulets) and not money. Apparently, he remembered that he was almost disqualified when earlier in the campaign, he gave out money as raffle prizes during a campaign sortie. His alibi back then was that he didn’t know that that was against election laws.

Because another TU bet, the Hon. Zambales Governor Vic Magsaysay was caught by GMA-7 cameras using government vehicles during a campaign sortie in his home province. When asked by reporters, he said that he is the governor, those were his vehicles, given to him as his service vehicles. Apparently, he didn't know that it was against election laws to do so.

Then in an interview, the Hon. Justice Secretary Raul Gonzalez clarified his earlier pronouncement that he will give 12 thousand pesos to all barangays in Ilo-Ilo if the whole Team Unity bets win 12-0 there this coming election. The Secretary said that it wasn't against the law because no money has been given out. But an election lawyer said that it was clearly stated in the election laws that the mere offer of money is tantamount to vote buying.

Isn't it ironic that these supposed lawmakers of our land don't even know or understand our own laws?

What was that Latin saying about ignorance of the law...?

But then I changed my mind again when I read Ellen Tordesillas’ BLOG.

Fantasy Games

I HAVE BEEN playing fantasy games for three years now. In my first two years, I played as both a guy and a girl and only this year did I played as a girl exclusively. It’s hard playing two personas.

Wait, if you’re thinking this is about sexual fantasy games, then you’re mistaken and you can skip reading this one

This is about NBA basketball fantasy games. For an introduction to fantasy hoops, read THIS. If you’re asking why play the game, read THIS. If you don’t know anything (or simply don’t care) about NBA fantasy games, then you too can skip this one and read THIS erotic blog instead..

I played good in my rookie year. I won the championship in one league and finished respectably in my other leagues. I call that beginner’s luck. In my second year, although I won another championship, my other teams didn’t fair that well. I blame that to wrong strategy (picking lots of SF players thinking they contribute across the board - wrong!) and the sophomore jinx.

This year, I came out smoking hot. I did my research before draft day; I read a lot of fantasy articles and finally developed a winning strategy. I owned four teams in four different Yahoo leagues (3 Head-To Head and 1 Roto league) and they all finished second after the regular season. I was able to do that thru good drafting and well researched trading and free agent pick-ups. I was able to pick-up Monta Ellis, Andries Biedrins and Al Jefferson when they first got hot. I drafted Kevin Martin and Leandro Barbosa in the late rounds and they played like 3rd or 4th rounder players. I did some pretty good trading too. In one league, I traded LeBron James (his FT is killing my team) and a few bench players for Allen Iverson, Luol Deng, the-soon-to-return-from-injuries Rashard Lewis and Emeka Okafor (I won the championship here) and I also traded Yao Ming (just about before he was injured) and Kevin Martin for a durable Dwight Howard, Kirk Hinrich and Leandro Barbosa. But alas, I made the mistake of trading Howard and Hinrich for Tim Duncan and Luke Ridnour. Duncan played a lot better than Howard but I dropped Ridnour eventually when he failed to get out of his playing slump.

When the play-offs came, it was a different story. In my two weeks of internet inactivity, it coincides with the semifinals and finals weeks. I wasn’t able to tweak my team as much as I wanted to, so I finished first, second, third and fourth in my four leagues. If I were able to go online often in those weeks, I might have able to win one or two more championships. But overall, I’m happy with how my season went.

If you were wondering why I also play as a girl? Well, simply because a girl has much more bargaining powers when it comes to trading. Last year, I was able to pull-off a lopsided trade because I promised the poor guy I‘d include a sexy pict of mine if he approves the deal. He did and I sent him a picture of some random blonde I picked up on the net har-har… no honor among thieves! Plus, guys tend to underestimate girls especially in sports.

If you’re looking for an internet hobby and you love the NBA, I suggest you try fantasy hoops. It’s way better than wasting your time chatting random boring people on a chat room or downloading the latest scandal video clip… uhmmm—okay, you can download those clips but only after you’re done fixing your team.

Now that the NBA fantasy season is over, I can start my research on the players I will draft next season. If you want to play fantasy hoops, leave your email add here and I’ll contact you in October to invite you to a league I’ll form. It’s a 12-14 team head-to-head league, standard categories and you have to name your team based on the place you live in. Since I’m now based in Mandaluyong, I’ll call my team the Mandaluyong Mighty Mentals. If you live somewhere in Quiapo, you can call your team the Quiapo Snatchers, or the Makati Businessmen or the Pateros Balots or better yet, the Pasig Motels.

In the meantime, enjoy the off-season.

Bagong Karanasan (chapter 12)
read previous chapters HERE

Writer’s Note : This is the first long story I ever wrote. It first appeared on this yahoogroup I belong to (mga_pilipinang_hubad@yahoogroups.com) and then in the tabloid I’m currrently writing for. By now, you probably must have read this because according to this site, "in sheer number of distribution, Paolo's Bagong Karanasan, also known as Ate Jam, is the number one for the year of 2005" . Google search “Bagong Karanasan”, “Ate Jam” or “Paolosbrew” and chances are, you will see this story. I also heard that this story is also available in a booklet form (Royalty! Royalty!). Eventhough you can read Ang Bagong Karanasan in a number of sites, I’m gonna post it here with my notes in red font, as a sort of behind the scene look at how I wrote the story. Sige na, pagbigyan nyo na ako. Kunwari lang naman na sikat ako at interesting kung paano ko nasulat ang “epic” na ito nyahahaha…

-----  oo0oo -----

     Makikita ko na rin sa wakas ang kanyang tinatagong yaman. Ang matagal ko nang ini-imagine nung bata pa ako, nung mga panahon na nagbabakasyon pa sila sa Baguio.
     Medyo madilim-dilim sa garage ng bahay kaya pilit kong pinapalinaw ang aking mga mata para makita kong mabuti ang parteng tinatago nya sa mga kalalakihan (ngayon ko lang napagtanto na corny pala ng term na “kalalakihan”). Dahan dahan ko pa ring nilililis ang laylayan ng skirt nya ngunit di rin nagtagal, tuluyan na itong natambad sa aking mga mata. Napalunok ako, nanlaki ang mga mata dahil ngayon ay nasa harapan ko ang hubad na hubad nyang hiyas. Nagti-trim nga si ate Jam, kita ko ang mangilan-ngilang hibla ng kanyang buhok duon (madilim pero nakita ang strands ng hair?). Ayos na ayos ito, ang cute. Sa pamamagitan ng dalawang kong hinlalaki (that’s the thumbs), hinimas ko ang gilid ng kanyang mga pubic hair, kung saan ito nagsisimulang tumubo. Naramdaman ko ang kamay ni ate Jam sa buhok ko, parang inaayos ngunit maya maya lang ay naramdaman kong hinihila nya ito papalapit sa kanya.
     Eto na, nasabi ko sa sarili ko. Di ko mawarian kung paano ang aking unang gagawin (kung first timer ka, maninibago ka talaga at parang mawawalan ng focus. Hindi mo na maiisip ang mga style na matagal mong pinag-aralan sa panunuod ng mga bold VCDs kapag actual pussy na ang iyong kaharap). Hinalikan ko ang parte ng kanyang puson. Naamoy ko ang natural na bango sa bahaging iyon ni ate Jam. Inilabas ko ang aking dila, sinimulan kong dilaan ang skin ng aking pinsan. Narinig kong umungol sya ng maramdaman nya ang basang dila ko sa kanyang mainit na balat. Paikot kong dinidilaan sya, sa puson, sa singit, sa bandang hita. Napapahigpit ang kapit ni ate Jam sa buhok ko, sya na rin ang nag-gagabay kung saan patungo ang aking dila, na iisa naman talaga ang destinasyon. Hawak ang magkabilang side ng ulo ko, sinentro ito ni ate Jam sa gitnang bahagi ng kanyang bewang, dun sa pinakasentro nya. Dinilaan ko ng isang beses, pataas, ang hiwa ng kanyang pussy.
     “Uhmmnnn.. shucks…. Shit Pao, ang sarap…”
     Binuka ni ate Jam ng bahagya pa ang kanyang mga hita, sabay tulak ng aking ulo papailalim pa, upang masimulan kong madilaan ang bandang ilalim ng kanyang mga pussy lips. Uhmmmnnnn… damang-dama ng aking dila ang laman ng magkabilang bahagi ng kanyang hiwa, ang katas na maalat-alat na lumalabas sa aking pinsan (paano ba talaga ide-describe ng accurate ang lasa nun?). Nakasabunot na sya ngayon sa buhok ko. Sumandal ng bahagya pa si ate Jam sa sasakyan, sabay angat ng kaliwang paa, itinuntong sa dingding na katabi ng sasakyan. Inalalayan ko sya, hawak ng kaliwang kamay ko ang hita nya, sabay itinuloy ang pagdila sa wet pussy ng aking pinsan. Uhmmnnn… malaya ko nang nahahalikan ang hiyas nya, dinidilaan, hinihigop higop nang bahagya ang magkabilang pussy lips.
     “Unghhhh… shit... Suck my clits Pao… suck me please…”
     Natagpuan ko naman agad ang kanyang sinasabi, dinilaan ko muna ito, nilaro ng aking dila, paikot-ikot…
     “Shit Pao… unghhhh… sarap….” Sabi ni ate Jam sabay napahigpit pang sabunot sa buhok ko.
     Nang nasa mga labi ko na ang tinggil nya, hinigop ko ito, maingat, papunta sa loob ng aking mga bibig. Nahihila ang muniting laman tuwing hihigupin ko ito at sa bawat higop ko, napapaangat ang puwitan ni ate Jam, sabay ungol, habang nilalamas ko naman ang puwit nya ng isa ko pang kamay.
     “Unghhhh… shit… ang sarap talaga... fuck… ungmmmnnnn…”
 Naramdaman kong hinihila na ako ni ate Jam pataas, itinatayo ako. Shit, ayaw na ata nya. Sinunod ko lang ang gusto nya, nakiramdam kung ano ang mangyayari. Pagtayo ko, eye to eye kami ng pinsan ko, di naghihiwalay ang tinginan namin. Hawak nya ako sa magkabilang pisngi ko.
     “Pao… Pao… uhmmmnn… do you want to fuck me? Gusto mo ba Pao?” (ahhhhh… the question most guys wanna hear)
     Di ako makapagsalita, nakatingin lang ako sa kanya. Bumitaw ang mga kamay ni ate Jam sa aking mga pisngi, pababa, hinagilap ang butones ng pantalon ko, tinanggal ito. Dinig ko ang tunog ng zipper ko ng hilahin ang magkabilang parte ng pantalon, upang tuluyang mahubad ito.
     “Gusto mo ba Pao?” nakatingin na tanong sa akin ni ate Jam, nakangiti. Napakaganda talaga ng pinsan ko. Tumango lang ako. (By this time, I was imagining na abala na rin ang mga readers sa ibang bagay na kanilang ginagawa habang nagbabasa)
     Nalaglag ang pantalon ko sa aking tuhod. Hawak hawak ni ate Jam ang garter ng brief ko, hinila nya ito pababa. Biglang nakalaya ang alaga kong galit na galit. Nakatingin dito si ate Jam. Hinawakan nya ito, hinimas. Nakaramdam ako ng kiliti, kinilig nang himasin nya ang kahabaan ng aking etits, dahan dahan, nilalaro sa kanyang mga palad. Ako naman ang humawak sa kanyang pisngi, iniharap sa akin at hinalikan sa kanyang mga labi. Lumaban naman ng halikan si ate Jam ngunit di sya bumibitaw sa galit kong alaga. Naglalaro ang aming mga dila, nagpapalitan ng laway, nagsisipsipan.
      “Uhmmnn… unghh… mmmnnn… ipasok mo na Pao, pleaseeee”
     Ang bilis ng tibok ng aking puso, ina-anticipate ang mga magaganap. Hinila ulit pataas ni ate Jam ang laylayan ng kanyang skirt, pinapakita sa akin ang kahubaran ng kanyang hiyas. Itinutok ko ang aking alaga sa kanyang hiwa, nilaro-laro iyon sa kanyang basang basang laman.
“Shucks... unghh… pasok mo na... put it in.”
     Sinubukan kong ibaon papasok ang aking etits. Eksakto naman ang aking pagkakatutok (which is not often the case), bumaon agad ang ulunan nito. Napasinghap si ate Jam., napakapit sa aking mga balikat.
     “Unghhhhh.. yeah, that’s good….”
     Unti-unting pumapasok ang aking etits sa loob ni ate Jam. Damang-dama ko ang init nya sa loob. Aaminin ko, maluwag na si ate Jam, na labis kong pinagtataka ngunit ng mga oras na iyon ay wala na akong pakialam.
     Shit, tinitira ko na ang pinsan ko!
     Nasa loob ng kanyang mainit na hiyas ang aking galit na etits!
     Ahhh… baon na baon na ang akin sa loob nya, damang dama ko ang init nya sa loob! Yumakap ng maburti si ate Jam sa aking leeg at hinila ang sarili pataas. Inalalayan ko sya. Sapo sapo sa puwit nya, binuhat ko din sya sabay inilingkis ang kanyang mga hita sa aking puwitan. Dikit na dikit ang aming mga katawan, baon na baon ang aking etits sa kaloob-looban nya (sa totoo lang, mahirap gawin ang standing position, di gaya ng napapanood natin sa mga penekula at babasahin). Malalalim na ang hininga ni ate Jam. Pareho kami.  Isinandal ko sya sa sasakyan, sabay hinugot ng bahagya ang aking sarili mula sa mainit nyang hiyas. Napaungol sya.
     “Unghhhh... shiiit… uhmmnn… bilisan mo na Pao, parang lalabasan na ata ako… ummnn…”
     Di na nagdalawang salita pa si ate Jam, sinimulan ko na syang tirahin, hugutin ang aking sarili ng bahagya at muling ibaon sa loob. Umiindayog na ang aking puwitan na sinasabayan din naman nya. Naglalabas-pasok na ang  aking basa na ring etits mula sa kanyang pussy na damang dama ko.
     “Aaaaahhh… ahhhh… ahhh… shit ang sarap Pao…”
     Uuuhmmnnn… uhmmmnnn… ungol ko din na bagamat nabibigatan na rin ay sarap na sarap din naman ako sa kiliting nararamdaman habang kumikiskis ang katawan ng aking etits sa loob ng kanyang pussy.
     “Ahhhhhhh… ahhhh… unghhhhh... fuck, ang sarap… ahhh... Ahhh…”
     Dama kong medyo bumabaon ang kanyang mga kuko sa likod ko ngunit di ko na ito alintana dahil sa ibayong sarap na aking nadadama. Basang basa na si ate Jam, ramdam ko na rin ito. Ahhhhh… ang sarap kantutin ng pinsan ko. Doble-dobleng sarap sa naiimagine ko nun habang pinapaligaya ko ang aking sarili.
    “SHIT Pao, lalabasan na ako… bilisan mo pa Pao... Pao… fuck me Pao… ahhhh.. unghhhh…”
    Yapos yapos ko na sya sa balakang, nakasandal sa sasakyan, labas pasok ang aking etits, pabilis ng pabilis.
    Ahhhh… ahhh.. unghhhh… ummmnnnn… shit….
    Unghhhhhh… uhhhhhhh… mmnnnnn…
Humigpit ang yakap nya sa leeg ko, parang masasakal ako. Dito ko naramdamang nabasa pa lalo ang aking etits… shit, nilalabasan na si ate Jam… di ko na rin napigil ang sarili, sumabog na ang aking katas sa kaloob-looban ni ate Jam (Kids, don’t try this at all. Baka makabuntis kayo o mahawa ng sakit – a friendly reminder from Frenzy condom). Alam kong ramdam nya ang lakas ng pagsirit ng aking katas mula sa aking etits.
    Uhmmmmnnnnnn….
    (I remember na mula sa start ng chapter na ito up to this point, tuloy tuloy ko itong tina-type sa keyboard at later na lang in-edit. Mabilis din ang pagkaka-type ko nun, kasabay ng mabilis na aksyon ng magpinsan hehe)
     Nakaupo kami ni ate Jam sa semento, sa tabi pa rin ng sasakyan. Nakapagbihis na sya. Nakahilig sa aking balikat. Tahimik lang kami nung una, parang nakikiramdam.
     “Hey, atin lang to ha” sabi ni ate Jam.
     “Oo naman”
     “Shucks, di ako makapaniwalang ginawa natin yun” nakatungong sabi nya. Medyo kinabahan ako sa sinabi nya. Nagsisisi ba sya? Lumingon sya sa akin, nakangiti (the guilt after the deed?)
     “Ako nga rin e, I can’t believe nakuha mo agad ako” biro ko sa kanya.
     Kinurot nya ang tagiliran ko. Humilig sa akin sabay patong ng kamay sa may etits ko. Napangiti ako.
     “Tama nga ako sa naiimagine ko sa yo dati, na malaki ang sa yo” nakangiti nyang sabi sa akin (another line most guys wanna hear hehe). Nakangiti lang ako sa sinabi nya. Hinagilap nyang muli ang zipper ko, binuksan at pagkatapos ay may dinukot sa loob. Kinulong nya sa kanyang mga kamay ang etits kong medyo lumalambot na.
     “Oh, bakit malungkot?” tanong ni ate Jam, “gigisingin ko ha?”
     Inilabas iyon ni ate Jam, nilaro-laro. Nagsimulang mabuhay naman ang alaga ko. Yumuko sya. Papunta sa etits ko. Naramdaman ko ang mga labi nya sa ulo ng aking etits. Hinalikan nya. Maya-maya ay inilabas nya ang dila, dinilaan ang munting hiwa sa ulo ng aking etits (I guess di pa humuhupa ang nararamdaman ko that time kaya I was thinking na isa pa har har). Uhhhmmnnnnn…. Di nagtagal ay naglaho ang aking etits, nawala dahil napunta ito sa loob ng kanyang bibig, nilalaro ng kanyang dila sa loob ng bibig. Ungghhhhh… shit…. Nasa loob na naman ng kanyang bibig ang ngayon ay galit na galit ko ng etits. Sa loob ng bibig ng aking magandang pinsan.. ahhhhhhh….
     (Pero naisip ko na hahaba na masyado ang tagpong ito kaya cut na lang natin)
    “Oh, kamusta ang sleep over nyo? Tanong na mommy ni ate Jam nang umuwi kami kinabukasan.
    “Okay lang, Mie. Masaya. Ewan ko nga lang kung nag-enjoy yang si Pao” nagtatawang sabi ni ate Jam, sabay halik sa mommy nya.
     “Oh, pao, uulit ka pa ba?” nakangiting bati sa akin ni tita Cecile.
     “Bahala na ho” sagot ko. Bahala na ho kung gano kagaling ulit akong ibo-blow job ng anak nyo haha sabi ko sa aking sarili.

…….itutuloy………..

I’m Back

and so I’m back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
binuksan ko at nasindak
may picha pie sobrang laki!
tinikman ko within 5 seconds,
naubos ko parang mani!

I KNOW SOME of you, the remaining three or four lonely souls who were left here checking this part of the world wide web, were wondering why I haven’t been posting these past few weeks. You’re probably thinking that this has been the longest Holy Week of my life and I’ve been “nangingilin” for so many sins I’ve committed as a result.

No and yes.

No, it’s not a long Holy Week. It was like my past Holy Weeks and yes, I’ve committed lots of sins, all of which (as far as I know) I have confessed to a priest.

I must confess that I don’t usually do this confessing-to-a-priest thinggie. In fact, my first line was “forgive me father for I have sinned. My last confession was way back in third grade…”

…and I don’t remember what year that was.

Don’t ask me why I suddenly had to confess to a priest, but I did. I didn’t confess in details, though. It was like me, reciting the Ten Commandments. I’m not really comfortable telling my sins in detail to another man, even if he’s a priest. It’s not that I don’t trust him, it’s just that I thought my sins were between me and my Creator, something we, me and my God, will deal with when I face Him/Her in the gates of Heaven when my time comes.

I’m not a religious person but I do believe in God.

I respect whatever religion you’re a part of, as long as you do good deeds to your fellow men. Just don’t force your beliefs on me and we’ll be fine.

“Alien?”

Holy Week

Tayo'y mangilin muna mga kapatid.